Excuse Me... I Hate Your Shoes.
I'm going to completely get off track of my workplace today and enlighten you about something I hate. Actually, for those who know me personally, you will understand that I don't just LOVE shoes in general, I own HUNDREDS of pairs and love to look at them... but the question (and shoes, for that matter) that bother me is as follows.
Crocs. The worst thing to happen to footwear since either Birkenstocks or jelly shoes also happens to be uglier than both combined. They're everywhere. Spreading like a virus. They're made of some engineered, bizarre plastic-like substance poured into a mold. They're incredibly wide foam clogs with holes, they make you look like you have duck feet and people are wearing them with everything. Men, women, their unfortunate kids... people are wearing these things in every shade of the neon rainbow.
Does anyone else hear the four horsemen of the Apocalypse stampeding in our direction?
Apparently these "Crocs" are flying off the freaking shelves all over the country, retailers cannot keep them in stock, and the company itself can barely keep up with demand. I will be sick if I start quoting the numbers, but at $30 bucks a pair the big brains behind Crocs are surely laughing themselves all the way to the bank. They're probably as astonished as I am at the popularity of such a hideous thing. This isn't even something you can avoid by fleeing to Canada, people. I know plenty of people that are there now and Crocs have completely invaded Calgary. Even though this whole sordid mess started in Colorado, I'd argue it's even worse up further up north than it is there. It certainly is further west in California!
So... that's a man. Maybe I missed the memo, but since when do men wear anything in colors like this? Especially shoes! A good litmus test to determine whether you should be wearing shoes in a certain color would be to decide if you would wear a shirt in exactly the same shade. If the answer is no, guys, put down the foam shoes and back away slowly. The guys that work for Cal-Trans wear orange shirts. But that's only because there is a very real danger of them being run over by large-scale construction equipment! This guy took his to a new level and added a "stylish" touch to his baby blue Crocs... steel studs. OOOH, manly. What about the lavender ankle socks? Yeah, no retort to that one... that's because the goofy clogs overshadow it, anyway.
I've heard that Crocs began as boat shoes, and I've also heard people describe them as gardening clogs. No matter which, it does not spell fashion. I'm going to guess that most people who wear Crocs don't own a boat OR a garden, and therefore do not have the need to purchase shoes designed specifically for either. And even assuming they did hours of gardening every week, do people need to be wearing those repugnant shoes everywhere else and bumming the rest of us out? No. The ability to hose them off is not criteria for cool shoes in most situations.
Simply put, I defy anyone to successfully justify footwear that looks like this ----------->
The defense of these monstrosities appears to be threefold:
One
Crocs are comfortable. In fact, I believe the Pavlovian and instantaneous response to anyone questioning the sanity of sporting such horrifying shoes is "But they're soooo comfortable!" Ridiculous. Comfort is no excuse for straight up fugly, and I've even heard people who wear them say that they know how ugly their shoes are but don't care because they're comfortable. This has never been a plausible excuse for any bad fashion, foam-based or not. Comfort simply does not excuse ugly. My Gene Simmons Kiss panties are comfortable too, but that doesn't mean I'm going to wear them out to the goddamn grocery store and force the rest of the world look at me in them.
If you have ever seen an episode of TLC's What Not to Wear, you already know that kind of crap excuse does not fly with Stacy and Clinton. In nearly every episode, you will see some tragically fashion-challenged person thrown to the style wolves by those who love them, standing in front of the three-way mirror and vainly attempting to defend some disgusting outfit by saying it's comfortable. Usually Stacy and Clinton will find either a nicer or more humorous way to say it, but the fact that you're comfortable does not change the fact that you look like shit! I will quote Clinton: "The days of defending ugly, chunky shoes are over." Let them go, folks. Into the nearest landfill where they will surely be waiting to come back into style until at least the next millennium. And they'll be ready too; because God knows those abominations will likely never decompose.
Two
Crocs are so easy; perfect for people on the go. Now, I don't know about the rest of you but I learned to tie my shoes when I was in preschool, and I dare say it was something that could possibly be described as a chore for about a week following. After that, I have not found the task difficult and/or time consuming, nor do I recall ever being in such a hurry to get out the door that tying my damn shoes really held me back.
Laziness has never been a good excuse for anything, ever. And that's really what this boils down to. No one is so busy they must wear such poor excuses for shoes. Donald Trump and Bill Gates probably have a lot more shit going on than we all do, but I'm pretty confident they've both still got the 8 or 10 seconds required to tie their shoes. So just because you've got some errands to run today doesn't mean you don't have the time for actual footwear. Don't even get me started on those girls who go out in PJ pants and slippers... that's a rant for another day. But in both cases, the word for it is simply laziness, and it's not an excuse.
Three
Crocs are trendy and celebrities wear them. What are we, sheep? The last time I did something because it was cool was probably when I was in junior high and splatter paint was all the rage. Need I continue...?
Regardless of what you want me to do, I will anyway.
One of the biggest (no pun intended), unpaid celebrity endorsees of Crocs, the current bane of all decent footwear, is Mario Batali. His favorite pair is mind-numbing safety orange.
For the rest of you already nodding your heads in agreement, I bring you the official I Hate Crocs website... people just serious enough to pay for the domain. You can also find them here on MySpace, should you care to join the fight. Yes kids, I already have.
All I'm saying is...
Unless you are this guy (aka the stuff of my nightmares) and/or Mickey Mouse, you should not be wearing giant, brightly colored foam shoes:
What's the bastard child of Birkenstocks and jelly shoes?
Apparently these "Crocs" are flying off the freaking shelves all over the country, retailers cannot keep them in stock, and the company itself can barely keep up with demand. I will be sick if I start quoting the numbers, but at $30 bucks a pair the big brains behind Crocs are surely laughing themselves all the way to the bank. They're probably as astonished as I am at the popularity of such a hideous thing. This isn't even something you can avoid by fleeing to Canada, people. I know plenty of people that are there now and Crocs have completely invaded Calgary. Even though this whole sordid mess started in Colorado, I'd argue it's even worse up further up north than it is there. It certainly is further west in California!
I've heard that Crocs began as boat shoes, and I've also heard people describe them as gardening clogs. No matter which, it does not spell fashion. I'm going to guess that most people who wear Crocs don't own a boat OR a garden, and therefore do not have the need to purchase shoes designed specifically for either. And even assuming they did hours of gardening every week, do people need to be wearing those repugnant shoes everywhere else and bumming the rest of us out? No. The ability to hose them off is not criteria for cool shoes in most situations.
Simply put, I defy anyone to successfully justify footwear that looks like this ----------->The defense of these monstrosities appears to be threefold:
One
Crocs are comfortable. In fact, I believe the Pavlovian and instantaneous response to anyone questioning the sanity of sporting such horrifying shoes is "But they're soooo comfortable!" Ridiculous. Comfort is no excuse for straight up fugly, and I've even heard people who wear them say that they know how ugly their shoes are but don't care because they're comfortable. This has never been a plausible excuse for any bad fashion, foam-based or not. Comfort simply does not excuse ugly. My Gene Simmons Kiss panties are comfortable too, but that doesn't mean I'm going to wear them out to the goddamn grocery store and force the rest of the world look at me in them.
If you have ever seen an episode of TLC's What Not to Wear, you already know that kind of crap excuse does not fly with Stacy and Clinton. In nearly every episode, you will see some tragically fashion-challenged person thrown to the style wolves by those who love them, standing in front of the three-way mirror and vainly attempting to defend some disgusting outfit by saying it's comfortable. Usually Stacy and Clinton will find either a nicer or more humorous way to say it, but the fact that you're comfortable does not change the fact that you look like shit! I will quote Clinton: "The days of defending ugly, chunky shoes are over." Let them go, folks. Into the nearest landfill where they will surely be waiting to come back into style until at least the next millennium. And they'll be ready too; because God knows those abominations will likely never decompose.
Two
Crocs are so easy; perfect for people on the go. Now, I don't know about the rest of you but I learned to tie my shoes when I was in preschool, and I dare say it was something that could possibly be described as a chore for about a week following. After that, I have not found the task difficult and/or time consuming, nor do I recall ever being in such a hurry to get out the door that tying my damn shoes really held me back.
Laziness has never been a good excuse for anything, ever. And that's really what this boils down to. No one is so busy they must wear such poor excuses for shoes. Donald Trump and Bill Gates probably have a lot more shit going on than we all do, but I'm pretty confident they've both still got the 8 or 10 seconds required to tie their shoes. So just because you've got some errands to run today doesn't mean you don't have the time for actual footwear. Don't even get me started on those girls who go out in PJ pants and slippers... that's a rant for another day. But in both cases, the word for it is simply laziness, and it's not an excuse.
Three
Crocs are trendy and celebrities wear them. What are we, sheep? The last time I did something because it was cool was probably when I was in junior high and splatter paint was all the rage. Need I continue...?
Regardless of what you want me to do, I will anyway.
One of the biggest (no pun intended), unpaid celebrity endorsees of Crocs, the current bane of all decent footwear, is Mario Batali. His favorite pair is mind-numbing safety orange.
If I want to know what type of olive oil would best suit my bruschetta recipe or what to do with leftover marinara, I'll go straight to Mario Batali. If I someday find that I have an enormous belly and need help with the age-old decision whether to buckle my belt over it or under it, Mario would definitely be high on my list of approved and knowledgeable consultants. But as with pop singers who insist on becoming actresses... just because you're good at one thing doesn't mean you rock at everything. Fashion is clearly not this man's area of expertise. I mean seriously, would anyone ask for THIS GUY's idea of which shoes are cool?
I'm no supreme expert on footwear. I do not own a clothing boutique, I DO sell clothing online, however I'm also not waving that in everyone's face to prove that I'm an authority on the subject, nor am I trying to tell you that I'm the ultimate decision maker on what's cool and what's not. But I am an ordinary person who possesses common sense and I know what fucking ugly is when I see it. And in this gal's style manual, Crocs = FUGLY.
For those among us requiring scientific research upon which to base an opinion (and for whom my riveting argument thus far was not enough to convince), I give you this site which has the question of Crocs neatly laid out for you in a colorful and convenient pie chart format. Click it:
For those among us requiring scientific research upon which to base an opinion (and for whom my riveting argument thus far was not enough to convince), I give you this site which has the question of Crocs neatly laid out for you in a colorful and convenient pie chart format. Click it:
For the rest of you already nodding your heads in agreement, I bring you the official I Hate Crocs website... people just serious enough to pay for the domain. You can also find them here on MySpace, should you care to join the fight. Yes kids, I already have.All I'm saying is...
Unless you are this guy (aka the stuff of my nightmares) and/or Mickey Mouse, you should not be wearing giant, brightly colored foam shoes:
posted by Apparently Crazy at 7:23 PM
2 Comments:
The only person I could possibly imagine pulling these piles of shit off is Propmaster. Regardless, I'll still pound him upside the head if I see these on his feet.
Baaaaarrffff!
Yay! I thought I was the only one in the world whom hated these shoes, but I see you hate them as much as I do!
Post a Comment
<< Home