Did the CBL finally go off the deep end?
If I didn't know better (because I actually emailed and asked her if she personally wrote this), I SWEAR that I would pin this letter posted on Craigslist on her. Either that or myself in a drunken bender, but that doesn't happen with me.
CBL has had her fair share of schmucks roaming through her love life (or is that lust life?) and 9 of 10 are just that, SCHMUCKS. The other is a walking nightmare, I believe.
Anyway, this Craigslist posting sincerely sums it up... and I'm telling you, now that I've showed, her, she probably WILL repost it as her own. Anyone up for a challenge? Must be cute, have a large cock, at LEAST a mid-range 5-figure income (preferably 6-figure) and be willing to eat at the Y daily.
Date: 2006-10-10, 7:03PM CDT
On a first date:
I probably will not put out, although, upon cessation of said date I will violently rape my "Rabbit" and envision your hands and mouth all over my body. We may discuss this in the future, if I decide you're worthy of more conversation.
In an effort to further my not-putting-out goal, I will not shave and will wear mis-matched socks. Just remember this if you respond to this ad, we go out, and you are having dirty thoughts over dinner. UNSHAVEN/MISMATCHED (just repeat it to yourself. You may be surprised how quickly wood will disappear)
I will engage you in conversation, perhaps shock you with hilarious stories of my past. I may use "big" words, and I refuse to dummy down for anyone.
I will make you laugh, assuming you have a brain and the personality to "get it".
I won't order a salad, nor will I order the most expensive entree. If I am hungry, I will eat.
I may call you the following day. I may not.
On the second date:
I may, in fact, put out. Why? Because I find few people meet/exceed my expectations enough to be granted a second date. I'm not promising I'll shave
(kidding).
We will discuss the ridiculous happenings in both of our worlds since the last time we spoke.
I may ask you to leave following copulation. I may snuggle. The truth is I own a vagina and cannot decide at the present time how I will feel/react after sex.
Yes, I just typed all of that. Now, here's where the prospect pool will thin accordingly...
YOU MUST BE:
of the caucasian persuasion or have a light complexion
funny
loquacious (dunno what that means? You're OUT!)
driven
single (that means not LEGALLY married)
under 38
over 23
not somebody's baby-daddy. Having kids is one thing, but you KNOW that terminology.
drug/disease free (everyone knows you can tell if someone has AIDS by looking)
sarcastic
well-mannered, for appearances
able to leave work at work when necessary. This implies employment
educated (beauty school and diesel college do not count)
NOT AN AUDIO ENGINEER/SINGER-SONG WRITER/OTHER MUSICAL FAILURE
act like a man. If I wanted a questionable fag, I'd date a girl. They smell
better, anyway.
I AM...
Over one-night stands. I'm not in college anymore, and thank God Girls Gone Wild never visited back in my hay-day.
Very comfortable in my skin. Unafraid. Equally unashamed.
Not looking to get married, but over the fuck buddy status.
Able to say "no" and scream "yes".
Calm, collected, logical, rational, politically incorrect, and witty
TOGETHER, WE WILL:
bowl
play trivia
act like raging dickheads in public establishments
giggle at midgets
fornicate regularly
discuss books
drink excessively if the mood strikes (however, alcoholics need not apply)
laugh at others and harder at ourselves
one-up each other
WE WILL NOT:
involve species other than homo-sapiens in our bedroom routine (for clarification, other homo-sapiens MAY possibly be included if so requested).
yell, argue, act like gigantic three-year-olds when we're upset
be dishonest
care what everyone else thinks
do any activity with one another's family more than once a month (less if possible)
act like something doesn't bother us, when it does
throw low-blows in times of frustration
comment on one another's figure negatively
Oh, and just to make sure I don't attract the wrong type of man, here comes what some of you will be dismayed at...
I'm not the healthiest individual, but surprisingly, I'm not a walking heart attack. If you appear to be more than 2.5 months pregnant, don't respond. Just my preference.
I have 28 of my original 32. You should have all that are visible - at the very least 24 of 32. If you don't know what I'm referring to, don't respond. If you know what I am referring to, and you just took the time to "count", you probably should also sit this one out.
I'm short. Or I feel short. I don't care how tall or short you are so long as your girth does not exceed your height and I don't have to look down at your head unless you're visiting the y.
I'm not into anything sexual that involves blood shed or leaves marks. General ass-slapping and hair pulling = perfectly acceptable. Donkey punches, not so much. Yes, I did just type that. Dirty Sanchez is out, as well.
Bring your A-game, bitches.
CBL has had her fair share of schmucks roaming through her love life (or is that lust life?) and 9 of 10 are just that, SCHMUCKS. The other is a walking nightmare, I believe.
Anyway, this Craigslist posting sincerely sums it up... and I'm telling you, now that I've showed, her, she probably WILL repost it as her own. Anyone up for a challenge? Must be cute, have a large cock, at LEAST a mid-range 5-figure income (preferably 6-figure) and be willing to eat at the Y daily.
I mean, DAMN.
Date: 2006-10-10, 7:03PM CDT
On a first date:
I probably will not put out, although, upon cessation of said date I will violently rape my "Rabbit" and envision your hands and mouth all over my body. We may discuss this in the future, if I decide you're worthy of more conversation.
In an effort to further my not-putting-out goal, I will not shave and will wear mis-matched socks. Just remember this if you respond to this ad, we go out, and you are having dirty thoughts over dinner. UNSHAVEN/MISMATCHED (just repeat it to yourself. You may be surprised how quickly wood will disappear)
I will engage you in conversation, perhaps shock you with hilarious stories of my past. I may use "big" words, and I refuse to dummy down for anyone.
I will make you laugh, assuming you have a brain and the personality to "get it".
I won't order a salad, nor will I order the most expensive entree. If I am hungry, I will eat.
I may call you the following day. I may not.
On the second date:
I may, in fact, put out. Why? Because I find few people meet/exceed my expectations enough to be granted a second date. I'm not promising I'll shave
(kidding).
We will discuss the ridiculous happenings in both of our worlds since the last time we spoke.
I may ask you to leave following copulation. I may snuggle. The truth is I own a vagina and cannot decide at the present time how I will feel/react after sex.
Yes, I just typed all of that. Now, here's where the prospect pool will thin accordingly...
YOU MUST BE:
of the caucasian persuasion or have a light complexion
funny
loquacious (dunno what that means? You're OUT!)
driven
single (that means not LEGALLY married)
under 38
over 23
not somebody's baby-daddy. Having kids is one thing, but you KNOW that terminology.
drug/disease free (everyone knows you can tell if someone has AIDS by looking)
sarcastic
well-mannered, for appearances
able to leave work at work when necessary. This implies employment
educated (beauty school and diesel college do not count)
NOT AN AUDIO ENGINEER/SINGER-SONG WRITER/OTHER MUSICAL FAILURE
act like a man. If I wanted a questionable fag, I'd date a girl. They smell
better, anyway.
I AM...
Over one-night stands. I'm not in college anymore, and thank God Girls Gone Wild never visited back in my hay-day.
Very comfortable in my skin. Unafraid. Equally unashamed.
Not looking to get married, but over the fuck buddy status.
Able to say "no" and scream "yes".
Calm, collected, logical, rational, politically incorrect, and witty
TOGETHER, WE WILL:
bowl
play trivia
act like raging dickheads in public establishments
giggle at midgets
fornicate regularly
discuss books
drink excessively if the mood strikes (however, alcoholics need not apply)
laugh at others and harder at ourselves
one-up each other
WE WILL NOT:
involve species other than homo-sapiens in our bedroom routine (for clarification, other homo-sapiens MAY possibly be included if so requested).
yell, argue, act like gigantic three-year-olds when we're upset
be dishonest
care what everyone else thinks
do any activity with one another's family more than once a month (less if possible)
act like something doesn't bother us, when it does
throw low-blows in times of frustration
comment on one another's figure negatively
Oh, and just to make sure I don't attract the wrong type of man, here comes what some of you will be dismayed at...
I'm not the healthiest individual, but surprisingly, I'm not a walking heart attack. If you appear to be more than 2.5 months pregnant, don't respond. Just my preference.
I have 28 of my original 32. You should have all that are visible - at the very least 24 of 32. If you don't know what I'm referring to, don't respond. If you know what I am referring to, and you just took the time to "count", you probably should also sit this one out.
I'm short. Or I feel short. I don't care how tall or short you are so long as your girth does not exceed your height and I don't have to look down at your head unless you're visiting the y.
I'm not into anything sexual that involves blood shed or leaves marks. General ass-slapping and hair pulling = perfectly acceptable. Donkey punches, not so much. Yes, I did just type that. Dirty Sanchez is out, as well.
Bring your A-game, bitches.
posted by Apparently Crazy at 7:23 PM
1 Comments:
Bwahahahahahahaaaa! You know, after reading this again, I am willing to concede that there's a chance that I may have written this while drunk. The main indicator that it wasn't me though, is the statement that said writer is "short". By no stretch of the imagination would someone call me short.
I do like a big cock, though. You were absolutely correct in that assumption.
xoxo
Post a Comment
<< Home